Back in the Groove

Have you seen what happens to the back roads in New Mexico after it rains and then the soil dries up?  The tire prints on the roads turn into deep grooves that can be a foot deep.  Once your car slides inside those grooves...you are pretty much stuck to the groove, and the groove steers your car and you just follow along and hope it is in the right direction.  It felt so wierd not being able to drive out of the groove, though I probably could have but I was paranoid about getting stuck in the middle of nowhere.  So how I coped with driving in the grooves was to relax...and  look up feeling profound reverence for the land and especially the sky.

Now Im back in Chico, working , teaching, and living with a friend till tomorrow when my summer tenants vacate my home and I can move back in.  I was wondering why I wasnt feeling thrilled to settle back in to my colorful home..and after accidentaly listening to a talk by Pema Chodron..I figured out why..

Sometimes we attach the notion of comfort to certain things outside ourselves....a good cup of coffee, money in the bank, soft skin..a house, a job, prestige...but when things fall apart, or change..we turn to those notions of comfort but they just dont cut it...and we feel cheated, lost, empty, worthless..all those responses we feel when we just cant seem to find comfort.  

Pema Chodron reminded me its always an inside job, discomfort is.  We get to live with it, honor it and journey through it..without blaming others, without lashing out or turning inward and doing some self destructive thing to find comfort that isnt there..until it is ,again..perhaps from a different place.  

That's how I'm feeling about my house in Chico, and my life..which is very good and so full of blessings..The groove doesnt feel the same now that I'm back ...The old groove feels weighted down.  But I have to remember that that was then, this is now and I'm doin good...great in fact.  Thanks to my brave  adventure to the land of enchantment and lots of paintings, I have created a new groove.  This one now  has color and surprises, and I am actually free from any grooves that I've followed before.  

And come to think of it, maybe my  friend was correct when she  asked

"Are you sure you want to be in another groove?"